I am not perfect...

I am not perfect. Hard to imagine, right? But it's true. I am being reminded of this fact almost daily, if not more often.

My whole life, I've tried to do the best I could in everything I do. It gave me something to be proud of myself for, I guess. But recently, I've been "failing" at things I do. It doesn't matter if it's big or small, I can't seem to do everything right these days. Take a look at my morning today, for a prime example.

I woke up early to do laundry, watched the weather channel for a while, had breakfast (cinnamon rolls!) and listened to the glorious rain that was ushering in another beautiful autumn. Then, I decide to straighten my hair. STUPID idea. I had a meeting with my adviser to go over student teaching stuff, so I wanted to look decent. This is where it all goes down hill, folks. I wind up running around trying to grab everything I need, at the same time, realizing that I have NOT finished the worksheet I was supposed to have ready for the meeting and I'm running out of time AND it's RAINING! The very rain that I was savoring earlier turned into a hair-ruining hindrance. As I was driving to campus, it seemed that EVERYONE was going as slow as was physically possible. Once I got to my parking lot, the one I park in every single day, and have never had a problem finding a space in, I find out it is full. To the brim. Overflowing, if you will. But wait! There's a guy who is getting ready to leave! So, I wait, not so patiently. As soon as he pulls out, another truck zooms in to take the spot. If ever there was a time when I would like to curse, that was the time. Doesn't this guy know that I have to be somewhere?! Of course not. So, I turn to plan B. Park in 30 minute parking. Fat chance! I drove all over campus trying to find a spot, meanwhile time was ticking. Finally, with 5 minutes left before my appointment, I give in and drive to overflow parking, seemingly miles away from where I want to be. I left my umbrella in the car. As I practically run to make the meeting that is supposed to be starting right then, a guy stops me to ask for directions! The nerve! Poor guy, he didn't know I was late, so I do my best to give him directions, and then off I go. I make it to my adviser's office, sweating (it's 60 degrees outside, so this is quite a feat), breathing heavily, hair frizzied thanks to that lovely rain, without several aspects of what I was supposed to bring. As I walk in, she says jokingly, "Hey there, slacker!" OH MY GOODNESS! I failed. I apologized profusely, giving a brief explanation of what had happened and asking forgiveness for the fact that I was not prepared. She chuckled. "It's okay. Don't worry about it." Don't worry about it? Are you serious?! That's all I've been doing this morning! But she let me off the hook. Forgave me, just like that. It did not affect her opinions of me (at least I hope not) and I am not in trouble. She even mentioned looking for scholarships for me.

I am definitely not perfect. But guess what?! I don't have to be! Jesus paid for my imperfection so that I am completely, 100% FREE to be who He created me to be. Imperfections and all. This is amazing. A true revelation for me. I realize I need to try my best, and it does look unprofessional to be late and out of breath, but it's okay. I don't need to worry about it. Jesus died and I am forgiven. Big stuff.

Last week at church, we had a guest preacher. He is the president of Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary. He spoke about pulpits. A strange thing to speak on, but it fit. He told us about a really old pulpit in Boston (I think...) that has an inscription that only the pastor can see. It says: "He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light." John 1:8. This passage is talking about John, but it is true of all of us. We are not the light. We are not the center of the world, even though some of us may think that at times, myself included. We are only here to bear witness to the Light, Jesus. That is such a freeing thought. As Dr. Wardlaw said, we are not perfect, and that's a good thing. We don't have to be, and we don't have to have it all figured out, because we are not the Light. We only need to point to it.

So, after all of my morning "disasters", I know that I am not the Light. I am not perfect. It does not matter that my hair is a mess after I spent half an hour straightening it this morning. Yeah, it stinks, but it's okay, because Jesus died for my imperfections. And He loves me just the same. I think I have been scared in the past to be imperfect. But now I am realizing that I don't have to be scared of that! I do not have to fear imperfection!

Was I asking for it?

If there is one thing I learned this weekend, it is that I do not have what it takes to be a contestant on Survivor.

This weekend was amazing, even though it turned out to be way more stressful than I had bargained for. It started last night. We went camping at the beautiful New Life Ranch. We had an amazing time last night around the campfire and then playing under the stars. We even had a really great night's sleep. Then we woke up. After cleaning up and heading out, we went to Arkansas for breakfast. Then it was time to head home to Stillwater. I had plans to be back by noon so that I could head out to go shopping with some friends in OKC. Boy did those plans change! As we were driving into Tulsa, I noticed that a light had come on on my dash that isn't normally lit. Then I noticed my temperature gauge spiking to 'h'. I pulled over and sure enough, I was leaking! The girls helped me lift the hood and we noticed that my coolant tank was gushing. Great. If you know me, you know that I have had many issues with my car in the past 6 years of driving it. It's a great little car, but man is it moody!

Thankfully, two of the girls with me were members of AAA. They called for a tow-truck, which proved to be a difficult task. Lesson one: Always know where you are. Pretty soon a guy pulled over on the other side of the highway. He ran across and asked if we needed any help. Well, yeah, we could use some, if you're offering. :D He opened up the tank and out came some more bubbling brown liquid. Gross. He let that all come out and then poured some water into the tank. I guess that helps (I really don't know.) Then he whipped out his tin of tobacco and put some in. Gross. In the meantime, the hero of our story drove up in his white car, lights flashing. Yes, that's right, our hero, Trooper Leonard McMillan came to the rescue. After assessing the situation, he did his best to calm me down. He proceeded to help us get a tow-truck, and then called me to his car. Yes, that's right folks, I sat in the front seat of a police car.

When I was settled in and calmed down, he started asking for my information. Well, that got me a little worried, but he assured me that he was not writing me a ticket. He was very interested to know why a girl from Bartlesville was driving from Arkansas towards Tulsa, but I filled him in on the road trip details and he understood. As we were having our chat, up came the tow-truck, our second hero of the day! By this time, we've told our tobacco chewing buddy that he can go on his way, but that we really appreciated the help.

So now came the dilemma. What to do with the car. I really didn't know, so Trooper McMillan (Leonard as we like to call him) asked me to call my dad and he would talk to him. So, I let the guys figure it out. Then I had to watch my poor car get lifted on to the tow-truck and chained in for the ride. It was a weird feeling, that's for sure.

Now the fun part, since the scary part is over (for the most part :D). I got to ride in a tow-truck! HOW FUN?! It was a first for me, and hopefully a last. Once we got to the place where we dropped off the car (btw, the towing was free, thanks to AAA and CHRISTINE!!!) we all piled into the police car. Our hero and new BFF Leonard took us over to the Hard Rock casino. Oh boy. Oh, and by the way, we've invited him to Dames and Donuts in Stillwater, even though he doesn't really like donuts (it's a police thing I guess). After we all said our goodbyes, we continued our adventure at the Casino.

This was my first time in a casino. I guess today was just a day of firsts for me. I would like to mention that by this time we REEKED! We smelled like campfire, bug spray and sweat, now about to be mixed with cigarette smoke. Ga-ross. We spent a good 30-45 minutes at the casino before we realized that you have to 21 to even be in there. I'm the only one who was of age. Yikes. So, we left and made our way to McDonald's to treat ourselves to a nice McFlurry.

Now enters the third hero of the day: my daddy! He had driven from Bartlesville to come save me! After determining that my car was not fixable without professional help, we decided to leave it there. It was so sad to go off and leave my poor car. She's been through a lot today, and now she's just sitting there all alone in a strange parking lot. Maybe she'll make a friend or two. Anyway, we wound up taking the other girls to a friend's house. She was getting ready to go back to Stillwater, so she said she'd drive them, too. I wound up going with my dad back to Bartlesville and I'm spending tonight at home. I wish I could say this story is complete, but it's not! I still have to go get my car fixed tomorrow and drive back to Stillwater. I just pray that it can be fixed in a timely manner.

Through all of this, it is hard for me to remember why I said I would go along with this year of no fear business. I don't feel like doing it any more if this is what it's going to look like. I mean, I guess I asked for it when I made my bold statement, but I didn't mean to sign up for so many "opportunities"! But then I am reminded that I am not walking through this alone. Not at all. God was with me every step of the way today. He sent me 7 guardian angels in the form of a strange dipping guy, a wonderful State Trooper, a helpful tow-truck driver who didn't "have anything else to do today", a loving daddy who came to get me and 3 great friends who stood with me on the side of the highway, at the casino and at McDonald's. Not to mention riding with me in the tow-truck and police car.

I know this isn't over yet, but I am beginning to see the bright spots in it. Today was one of those days that shows you how much you have to depend on God. I could not have done any of this on my own. Sure, I broke down and cried on the side of the highway and in the middle of the casino, but I know that I have a solid rock that I can lean on and cling to every minute of my life. If nothing else, today showed me that I can't do this by myself, as much as I would like to think that I can. I have to have help. Whether that help comes in the form of a State Trooper, a friendly voice on the phone praying for me, or that still small voice in the darkness as I cry out for help, I know that there will always be Someone to run to. And that's what the year of no fear is all about. Learning to trust in God and depend on Him fully.

A divine appointment?

Hello friends! I have a story to share! It really fits into the category of both of my blogs, so I will post a version of this story on each blog.

It all starts with me going to the library to work on my French homework last Thursday afternoon. I went to sit on the 2nd floor in one of the comfy couches, but there were only a few open. I chose the one that wasn't sandwiched between two people. As soon as I sat down and got my book out to start working, the girl next to me started to talk to me. She said hi and then went on to ask me a series of rapid-fire questions like what types of books I like to read, if I knew of a certain author, and what I like to do in my spare time. This is where I got to share a little bit about myself. I told her about Cru (Campus Crusade for Christ) and how I'm involved by leading a Bible study and being in one myself. She said she had never heard of it, but sounded kind of interested, so I prodded a bit. She asked me about church, and I told her I went to First Presbyterian. She said she had never heard of a Presbyterian. This is where I feel like I failed. I couldn't for the life of me tell her anything about being a Presbyterian. How sad is that?! I am a member of the Presbyterian church, by choice I might add, since I was confirmed into it my 8th grade year, but I cannot even tell someone what it means to be one? That pointed out to me that perhaps before I start sharing my faith, I should get a few basics down.

Anyway, we continued on, talking about her beliefs. She told me that she was a non-denominational. "It's all about the Bible for me" she said. Oh, cool, I thought. So I asked her what she meant. "Well, I believe in the Bible, but I don't think it applies all the time." This is where I got a little hesitant. I wasn't sure quite how to respond to that. I believe that it does apply all the time, but I didn't know how to say that. For some reason, I was scared to share what I believed. I would have rather sat there and taken in all of her thoughts, nodding along the way, than to put my beliefs out there to be criticized and scrutinized.

We then began to talk about her husband, as she had just gotten married in July. She told me so much about her life that a normal stranger would not share. By this point I had completely forgotten about my French homework. It didn't seem to matter. I felt that there was a reason for me to be there at that time with the awkward girl talking to me in the Library. I mean, who does that?! I've never heard anybody else share their life story in a University Library. Anyway, we both went our separate ways, me to my books, her with her husband, but she left me thinking. Did I do that right? What could I have done differently? Why didn't I invite her to come to Cru that night? Will I ever see her again, or was that my one chance?

In a way, I feel like I stepped out of my bubble that day. Unfortunately, I don't know that it was far enough out there. I don't know that I made a difference. I don't know that I made a change. But I do know that I am no longer scared of random stranger girls who sit in the library.

A new beginning

Last week I started my senior year of college. Scary! It seems as if all through college I have been very resistant to change (okay, so that's been happening my whole life, not just in college) and very reluctant to do anything that is outside of my comfort zone. I really feel like this mindset has been a limiting factor in my life. As I was driving back to school from being home for a few weeks, I made the decision to have no fear this semester. I think that is what has been holding me back all along. I have been afraid to try anything, fearing that I would fail. Well, this year, I'm not holding back. This mainly applies to my spiritual life, but obviously will overflow into the other areas of my life. It's a scary thing for me to do, because in nature, I'm just scared, but I think this is the best decision I've made in a long while. I'm starting this blog in order to attempt to keep myself accountable. I don't want to be all talk about this one. I'm really going to do things! If God gives me the opportunity, I'm going to take it. No fear. So, I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to write about all the amazing things I do this year. Keep reading this, and keep me accountable so that I don't just sink back into my old ways. Thanks! Oh, and no worries, I'll still be writing over on life-is-awkward. Awkward things will inevitably happen this year as a result. :D